Rough day today. Really feeling sad and blue.
People are really grating on me today as well. I guess its that combination of lack of sleep and heightened sensitivity thats causing it.
Its probably better that i'm on my own today...but then again. I hate being on my own at the moment cos I just think about how much I miss my wife.
Its a no win situation I guess so i've just got to grin and bear it...sigh.

Well

It happened. I know it'd happened anyway but I love my wife and had to try everything in my power to try and make things work.
I'm very sad at the moment so I've not really got much to say.
Although I still can't believe we got to this point, its staggering to think how much life can change in such a short length of time.
Thing is, its not being on my own that bothers me that much (although its not something i relish). What bothers me more is being without the woman that I love with all my heart. I'm sat in this house now that was our home but is now just memories and ghosts.
Still, i've got to think about myself I guess so i'm taking each day at a time. Its the only way that I can deal with it.
I had the chance to meet up with her last weekend but the sad thing is that I had nothing more to say to her. I don't mean on a social level or any other level like that but all I would have done would say how much I will miss her and how heartbroken I felt.
That wouldn't have helped either of us really so I didn't go. It would have hurt too much to say goodbye to her again and again.
I do hope she's happy though, thats all I wanted really is for her to be happy and well. I guess that this is the only way for her to be happy in the longterm but I just wanted to share in that happiness.
I'm trying not to get angry or bitter as that is ironically one of the reasons why things failed in our marriage. At least I owe her and myself that much to try and grow from the experience.
I only wish I had the chance to show her how much i'd changed as a human being and how my attitude is completely different.
Life is cruel sometimes and teaches valuable lessons...its not selective in how these things are taught though.
I so wish i'd have learnt that lesson earlier in life.

God I know whats important now and what isn't. But its too late to apply that to my marriage now.

What a fool i've been.....

Friday morning

Morning folks...well, morning Me. No one else see's this so there.

Sad morning today. Weather doesn't help either.

Got a busy weekend this weekend. Got to be up early tomorrow morning as well as i've got stacks to do plus i'm meeting Lee for a few drinks early evening. Not going to indulge too much as I don't want a repeat performance of how i felt last saturday...ever.

Playing 'Gymnopedie No1' by Erik Satie on my iPhone. Sat in the office on my own. Its quite possibly one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever made. Its also quite sad.

At the gym tonight, out shopping tomorrow morning, drinking in the evening and then sunday i'm off to Leeds for the week. Don't really want to go but it might not be such a bad thing to get away from all the turmoil for the week. Although I sincerely doubt i'll just be able to leave it behind.

Going to try and make the place look nice for Nat coming back on sunday. I want her to feel relaxed in her home. I can't seem to do anything right for her at the moment but if I can do something for her without me being there, even just a little bit, then thats not a bad thing.
I'm incredibly sad at the moment but just care about her welfare so I hope it helps her.

More later I guess....

well

I met Nat last night. Was really good to see her.

It was pretty upsetting at points but she's going to be home next week while i'm away.
I'm not counting my chickens here as things are not looking rosy in the Travis garden at the moment but i'm hoping that if she does come home it might relax her a bit and allow her to chill out in an environment which is...well...her home!
I dunno, I really hope we can fix things. Well, maybe not fix things but change things.

Really concerned as she's under a lot of stress at the moment and I feel powerless in helping her.
Having said that, I will support her no matter what as she's my wife and all I care about is her being safe and well.

I don't know what the future holds at the moment but I guess we've got to take it one day at a time. I'll see if she feels more relaxed next week as she's having such a shit time at the moment.

Love her so much and hope I can do more to help her through this tough time. :-(

How things can change in life so quickly

Well, since the last time I wrote a blog on here things have changed dramatically.
I can safely use this blog for reasons of catharsis as no one is following it apart from my wife. I dont think she uses this any more so I sincerely doubt she can read it.

I'm now at a stage whereby i'm losing the weight that I so long desired to lose. It initally started for a few reasons.
1. I saw my dad ill in a hospital and was scared.
2. I wanted to set an example to him how you can change your life.
3. I wanted to lose the weight for self respect and my own health.
4. I didn't want to put my wife through what I was feeling at the time with my dad.

There are other reasons as well but these were the main ones and really motivated me to change my life.
So, it appears that life has changed in positive ways. I'm now around 3 stone lighter than I was when I first started this journey; thats something I could never imagine happening before.
I'm fitter and more active and feel physically better than I have in years.

I guess though what life gives you in one way it takes away from you in another. In this case it has taken so much more than I can ever had imagined.
It looks like i'm about to lose the love of my life. My wife and I seperated over 3 weeks ago (feels much much longer) and we're going to meet up tomorrow.
I really don't think she's going to change her mind either about what she wants to do. Part of me thinks that she will and come home and this is beyond belief in how happy this will make me to get another chance with her.
We can be so happy together as we were in the past. It seems sad really and also ironic that we are somewhat a victim of our success. Well, at least I believe I was.
I thought my marriage was as strong as anything in the world. I sat on my hands, rested on my laurels, sat back and bathed in how successful I was in getting the girl of my dreams.
"How great is this, i've won!"
What i didn't realise is that the race carries on. You cannot sit on happiness and expect it not to slip from underneath you. You do have to enjoy it but you cannot EVER take it for granted.
I did and now i'm paying dearly for this mistake.
Why didn't i make this mistake earlier in my life. What a fool i've been to think that I could ever take this thing for granted.

Now, on the eve of my meeting up with my wife to chat about things, i feel like i'm going to lose her forever. This makes me sad beyond belief.....

more later