Everything that turns turns turns....

Well, Circle of life and all that.

After my rollercoaster ride of a seperation from my lovely wife (Yes, I know), Things have finally started to calm down a bit. We've still got to do all the house stuff and that but we've been apart for 3 months now and emotionally i'm still up and down but i'm getting better each day, for most part at least.

Big changes afoot at the moment as well. Going for a new job in a far off location and have the interview on friday. Other things are happening as well which I don't really want to comment about at the moment.
My Birthday and Anniversary came and went and were tough but bareable for most part.
At this point i'd like to thank the following people for all the tireless support they've given me thus far.
Mum
Dad
Our Kid
Big Lee
Oggy
Donna
Barrie
Paul
Stacey
Mike
Cheryl
Donna
Kay
Stewart
Mike D
Little Catherine
Abstract
John
Banjo
Angie
Caroline
Chris
Tommy
Ste
Shelly
Elaine
Karen
Anna
Rachel
Shaz
Manshah


And I dare say this list isn't exhaustive.

I'm really lucky that all these people have contributed to my well being and listened to me while i've been going through a tough time.
I'm truly blessed sometimes.

sigh....

really down today. I suspect that the weather doesn't help at the moment. Constantly raining and grey all the time.
Hope this passes as I hate feeling like this...

That is all.

Good morning world

Its a weird day today. Not quite sure where my head's at this morning.

Feel like i've got all this nervous energy thats bursting to get out of me.
I always feel like this in work at the moment and i'm not sure why. I'm like a cat on hot bricks and walk around the place talking rubbish and being generally quite highly strung.
Its not because i'm around other people because I don't act like this when i'm with friends and/or family so I can't figure it out.
Could be the coffee I guess or the fact that i'm constantly surfing the edge of madness. In either case its not doing me much good at the moment and I need to curb it a bit methinks.
Anyhoo,my birthday has now passed and also my Anniversary. I'm not going into any depth about that because it was a tough day.
What made it harder was knowing that Nat was going through exactly what I was on that day. There was nothing I could do about that either and it was a weird feeling knowing that someone you love was going through so much pain and you couldn't do a thing to help because you were one of the main reasons why. That I was going through the same thing made it almost surreal.
It was like a mutual suffering brought on by the death of a relative or a traumatic event that was shared but couldn't be helped either way.
Very strange.

Still, in any case. It came and went thankfully and now i'm on the other side of it now.
Things are pretty rough for me at the moment but i'm getting the occasional glimpse of blue sky in an otherwise stormy day. The sun has yet to come out for me and I dare say it won't appear for a while.
I can't wait for the day when the sun shines on my back again. My soul needs a bit of sun instead of all this rain and gloom.

and the beat goes on....

Well, its really rough at the moment. Really stormy seas of confusion and delusion and...stuff.

Big big week next week. My birthday on monday and then my anniversary on thursday.
Really cut up about that one and I just want to sleep the whole day.
I'm thinking of borrowing some cash off someone and doing one abroad for a few days on my own. Looking at Berlin (was thinking Seville but its really pricy).
Hopefully I can just sit in a cafe somewhere with a few Erdingers and space away from it all.

Still, a few of the girls at work took me out for a liquid lunch for my birthday. Cheered me up somewhat to be honest.
Just counting down the minutes until I can go home. Been here since 7am so i need to go home!

If I don't post next week then i'll say this now...

Happy Anniversary to my darling wife. I love you as much now as I ever did and miss you so much.
Might not be appropriate but i'm sorry...its the way I feel.

By the way

Every cloud and all that...

now 15 and a half stone and a 36" waist. Thought i'd add that to this blog as it was supposed to be about weight loss.

Mainly its been about Personal loss so its all still kinda relevant I guess :-/

Can't believe how slim I am these days. My clothes are all too big though and I can't afford to replace them. So each positive does bring another negative sometimes.
Ho hum and all that...

And the standard and obligatory note about my wife...
I WISH she could share in my success. Part of the reason I started this diet was for her. I wanted her to have a younger, fitter husband and one who'd be around for our children.
Once again, i'm not going there yet about kids. Its too painful to think about what could have been... :-(

Its a long rough road for me

at the moment. How can it not be when you lose someone you love dearly.
Still, trying my best at the moment to keep things together.
The weather doesn't help either. If only the sun would come out for more than 10 minutes a week. Still, it could be worse I guess. At least me and the wife are being civil to each other. I'd hate for things to descend into anything bad between us.
I can't choose her life for her sadly but at least we can try getting on if nothing else.
Still...I miss her dearly and although it seems too far down the road, i'd have her back in a heartbeat. Our relationship would be a lot different this time.
I guess we'll never get the chance to show that but it does make me wonder sometimes about what could be.
Thats the problem with dealing with the abstract and the possible. Its all conjecture and theory. Its nice to dream though.

Anyhoo, i'm off to the Caravan for the weekend. I'm kinda hoping that the sea air will inspire me a bit. I'm taking my gym stuff as well and fully intend to go jogging along those cliff tops in the morning. I may even get some sun...anythings possible.

Birthday in just under 2 weeks. Can't help but to laugh at the irony of being in my late 30's and feeling physically better than i have since i was in my early 20's.

Mentally i'm ruined though so its all swings and roundabouts.

Don't even talk to me about my Anniversary. It cuts me up everytime I think about it.

Rough day today. Really feeling sad and blue.
People are really grating on me today as well. I guess its that combination of lack of sleep and heightened sensitivity thats causing it.
Its probably better that i'm on my own today...but then again. I hate being on my own at the moment cos I just think about how much I miss my wife.
Its a no win situation I guess so i've just got to grin and bear it...sigh.

Well

It happened. I know it'd happened anyway but I love my wife and had to try everything in my power to try and make things work.
I'm very sad at the moment so I've not really got much to say.
Although I still can't believe we got to this point, its staggering to think how much life can change in such a short length of time.
Thing is, its not being on my own that bothers me that much (although its not something i relish). What bothers me more is being without the woman that I love with all my heart. I'm sat in this house now that was our home but is now just memories and ghosts.
Still, i've got to think about myself I guess so i'm taking each day at a time. Its the only way that I can deal with it.
I had the chance to meet up with her last weekend but the sad thing is that I had nothing more to say to her. I don't mean on a social level or any other level like that but all I would have done would say how much I will miss her and how heartbroken I felt.
That wouldn't have helped either of us really so I didn't go. It would have hurt too much to say goodbye to her again and again.
I do hope she's happy though, thats all I wanted really is for her to be happy and well. I guess that this is the only way for her to be happy in the longterm but I just wanted to share in that happiness.
I'm trying not to get angry or bitter as that is ironically one of the reasons why things failed in our marriage. At least I owe her and myself that much to try and grow from the experience.
I only wish I had the chance to show her how much i'd changed as a human being and how my attitude is completely different.
Life is cruel sometimes and teaches valuable lessons...its not selective in how these things are taught though.
I so wish i'd have learnt that lesson earlier in life.

God I know whats important now and what isn't. But its too late to apply that to my marriage now.

What a fool i've been.....

Friday morning

Morning folks...well, morning Me. No one else see's this so there.

Sad morning today. Weather doesn't help either.

Got a busy weekend this weekend. Got to be up early tomorrow morning as well as i've got stacks to do plus i'm meeting Lee for a few drinks early evening. Not going to indulge too much as I don't want a repeat performance of how i felt last saturday...ever.

Playing 'Gymnopedie No1' by Erik Satie on my iPhone. Sat in the office on my own. Its quite possibly one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever made. Its also quite sad.

At the gym tonight, out shopping tomorrow morning, drinking in the evening and then sunday i'm off to Leeds for the week. Don't really want to go but it might not be such a bad thing to get away from all the turmoil for the week. Although I sincerely doubt i'll just be able to leave it behind.

Going to try and make the place look nice for Nat coming back on sunday. I want her to feel relaxed in her home. I can't seem to do anything right for her at the moment but if I can do something for her without me being there, even just a little bit, then thats not a bad thing.
I'm incredibly sad at the moment but just care about her welfare so I hope it helps her.

More later I guess....

well

I met Nat last night. Was really good to see her.

It was pretty upsetting at points but she's going to be home next week while i'm away.
I'm not counting my chickens here as things are not looking rosy in the Travis garden at the moment but i'm hoping that if she does come home it might relax her a bit and allow her to chill out in an environment which is...well...her home!
I dunno, I really hope we can fix things. Well, maybe not fix things but change things.

Really concerned as she's under a lot of stress at the moment and I feel powerless in helping her.
Having said that, I will support her no matter what as she's my wife and all I care about is her being safe and well.

I don't know what the future holds at the moment but I guess we've got to take it one day at a time. I'll see if she feels more relaxed next week as she's having such a shit time at the moment.

Love her so much and hope I can do more to help her through this tough time. :-(

How things can change in life so quickly

Well, since the last time I wrote a blog on here things have changed dramatically.
I can safely use this blog for reasons of catharsis as no one is following it apart from my wife. I dont think she uses this any more so I sincerely doubt she can read it.

I'm now at a stage whereby i'm losing the weight that I so long desired to lose. It initally started for a few reasons.
1. I saw my dad ill in a hospital and was scared.
2. I wanted to set an example to him how you can change your life.
3. I wanted to lose the weight for self respect and my own health.
4. I didn't want to put my wife through what I was feeling at the time with my dad.

There are other reasons as well but these were the main ones and really motivated me to change my life.
So, it appears that life has changed in positive ways. I'm now around 3 stone lighter than I was when I first started this journey; thats something I could never imagine happening before.
I'm fitter and more active and feel physically better than I have in years.

I guess though what life gives you in one way it takes away from you in another. In this case it has taken so much more than I can ever had imagined.
It looks like i'm about to lose the love of my life. My wife and I seperated over 3 weeks ago (feels much much longer) and we're going to meet up tomorrow.
I really don't think she's going to change her mind either about what she wants to do. Part of me thinks that she will and come home and this is beyond belief in how happy this will make me to get another chance with her.
We can be so happy together as we were in the past. It seems sad really and also ironic that we are somewhat a victim of our success. Well, at least I believe I was.
I thought my marriage was as strong as anything in the world. I sat on my hands, rested on my laurels, sat back and bathed in how successful I was in getting the girl of my dreams.
"How great is this, i've won!"
What i didn't realise is that the race carries on. You cannot sit on happiness and expect it not to slip from underneath you. You do have to enjoy it but you cannot EVER take it for granted.
I did and now i'm paying dearly for this mistake.
Why didn't i make this mistake earlier in my life. What a fool i've been to think that I could ever take this thing for granted.

Now, on the eve of my meeting up with my wife to chat about things, i feel like i'm going to lose her forever. This makes me sad beyond belief.....

more later